I Tossed My Out My Spanx In Haste

Ah last summer you may recall a Facebook post I made in which I denounced my Spanx then proceeded to toss them all away in the trash. So happy I was to toss those uncomfortable ass fuckers away! After I lost 75 pounds, I was wearing size 3’s! Me a 41 year old mother of four fit her skinny ass in size 3’s!

After I was almost 200 pounds dropping to 131 was a huge fucking delight for me. And I let all you fuckers on Facebook know all about. I posted picture after picture of my new skinny self. Fuck, I worked hard in those 10 months to lose so much–goddamn right I was going to be proud and share with all my quote friends. Now, I’m a former skinny fatty again. [insert frowny face emoticon here]

Well fuck me now kids. I’ve gained almost 20 pounds since this whole debacle has begun, 124 days since lump discovery. Goddammit! I tried on every pair of shorts over the weekend, only to get discouraged and totally pissed when my sesh was over. Fucking fuck. And when I see you at Foodlion and tell you I’ve gained almost 20 pounds and you say ‘good for you’, no fuck you….this is not good. I realize most lose weight with chemo because of the whole puke your brains out thing….but this weight gain is not good….I do not approve….My onco assures me and damage done from chemo we can reverse….we shall see.

Here I sit, 82 days post masecto, fat as fuck, bald as fuck, face broken out like a prepubescent teenager, expanders filled to under my arms [read: my arms will not go down, flat to my side, because of expanders], nose bleeds, swollen moon face due to chemo, sick to my stomach, intestines decaIMG_5305ying, leaving the smell of death in my wake, my belly looks 14 months pregnant-thanks chemo gut; how I loathe you so….You know it’s bad in the bathroom when your 5 year old tells you to spray something…..5 year olds live for stink! Not Chemo stink & when the fuck will it stop smelling like death?

I’m scheduled for my 3rd chemo infusion this Friday, the 18th. This will be 3 of 4! Thank fuck–I can see the finish line……I’m almost there guys! Goddammit, chemo number 2 coupled with the Nulasta shot practically took me out….not gonna lie, thought I was dying…not looking forward to Friday.

I’ve accepted the fact that I will hide my hideously grotesque body in hoodies and capri like sweatpants [sorry Mr. Badboob, I know how you love those pants I wear oh so much] until the new tit exchange. I found lightweight hoodies at Kohl’s. Since I’m crafty & shit, I’ve cut the sleeves off the hoodies–boom! Short-sleeved hoodies! Granted I’ve only 4, so those 4 will be in heavy goddamn rotation all spring long….but you do what you gotta do. If you see a fat bald chick with bad acne a fat gut and faded hoodies walking about this spring….be nice….it’ll be me & I’ll be a hot fucking mess.

I did save and found one piece of my remaining fat clothes over the weekend, I’d sold majority of fat clothes on eBay in 2015. A skull hoodie, fuck yeah! So now that’s short sleeved too! Whoohoo for being crafty.

Have you ever had acne so bad it hurts? I mean hurt, hurt…like to even smile or life kinda hurt? Well kids, that’s how my face felt. I purchased tea tree oil, soaked cotton pads and taped to my chin….twice over the weekend. It looked as if I’d had a face lift with the bandage on my chin. But fuck, it was the only way to get relief from those pulsating monsters….goddamn acne….goddamn chemo….goddamn mother nature….and your generous monthly gift to me….Ah yes, I was blessed with my period this weekend.

So not only is my body trying to push the chemo out, it’s also pushing an egg down my baby slide….stay away….grrr….Though I didn’t feel pissy prior to start of rag, just overall blah & discontent.

Now my stomach is big enough to drag the table when walking past. Boom, instant table cleaner….I guess being a fatty does have a perk.

Make a good one!

 

6 thoughts on “I Tossed My Out My Spanx In Haste

  1. You are an inspiration, Tara ! Whenever I think my life is going down the crapper I read your blog and it really just makes me happy…not happy that you’re going thru this Hell, but happy that you are dealing with it with your own fucking brand of grace. Keep on truckin’ gal ! You got this !!!!!!! “What a long strange trip it’s been.”

    Liked by 1 person

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