It Is What It Is

Fuck that shit. I used to subscribe to that notion, shrug my shoulders and continue on….Now, I know, it is what I make it.

And recently have I been working it. From all the angles, meeting all the people, the networking, the bartering for events; so out of my comfort zone. Or was it? IDk…kinda loving the volunteer work. I’m super spastic, some may refer to me as ‘passionate’.

The thing they don’t tell you about life after cancer is how to live. Fuck most don’t know how to live pre-cancer. We are one fucked up lot of bottom feeders. There’s more out there, I’ve seen it. I talked to it and spent time there as a child….

So Tara, your cancer was removed 514 days ago, why are you still carrying on? Well, I’ll tell you why…..cause you’re listening.  So there.

It has been almost a year since my last #chemo infusion. My hair is growing, toxic gut has subsided; but…..But…there’s always a motherfucking but…. The collateral effects from chemo are sooooooooo much worse than I ever imagined. When I first heard chemo can stay with you 5-7 years post treatment, I thought yay right-what a crock of shit. Oh no dear readers, it’s just as bad as they tell you, maybe worse; cause very few go into all the nitty-gritties.

If you’ve read any posts, you know that I’m not really a worrier and just go with the flow. So, I’d been going with the flow of a sore wrist, for over a year…..Turns out I have a severe case of degenerative bone disease, osteoarthritis is the technical term and shit. Take care of yourselves. Had I had my wrist looked at when I first noticed the pain, burning pain, throbbing pain; I may not have had to have it casted. But it is what it is right? Wrong…been looking for wrist guards, compression sleeves and other healing methods to get use of my wrist back. I’ve also developed bone degeneration in my lower lumbar…butt bone…and it hurts like hell.

The past couple of weeks, I noticed I’ve been so ovariemotional….the fuck is wrong with me? Why all this crying? Why the doubts? I’d spent five months building myself back up, going great distances. Hello GMA and WTVD. I finally realized why I was so down again, and trust me, it only took less than a week to fall back into bad mental habits; I’ve not been working out. I’m still using the TRX and Ultimate pull-up, with difficulties. But not working out the way I have been. They way I learned to live again during the LiveStrong program. Oh and still trying to find #JalenFromCapitalOne.

I’ve started feeling lethargic and flabby again, shut up, I know I’m not really flabby, but not feeling totally fit.  Once I made that connection, you best bet I began working up a sweat again.  And know that I know I have a real condition going on, I’ve been more gentle on myself. Cooking has been quite difficult, resulting in more purchases with the restaurants…with money we don’t have…..See the cycle here folks. Those who know, understand.

Post chemo, my body stays cold. I used to see those little old ladies wrapped up like they’re in the arctic when it’s hot as balls outside. Guess what, I’m wrapped. Pants, socks, hoods, hats, long sleeves, give me all the sleeves.  I discovered an awesome NC company called Freakers USA, the best socks and bottle holders…the bottle holder act as great compression for your wrist.

Any my brain, holy fuck. Chemo did a big number in my head. I see information but don’t comprehend or digest it. My brain has like no short term memory….at all. So if we speak, and I ask you again what we just talked about; be kind.
Once I gain footing again, I’ll be able to pay it forward financially, currently all I can do is offer my hand, my ear, myself…I’m making this bitch called life, mine.



Feel Good Af

So this happened yesterday… ermerfuckingerd….I knew something was up when I get a messenger request from Amber Rupinta-Ferro from ABC11 WTVD….hey Tara she says, can you come into the studio for a #mothersday segment, oh and bring the flowers that #Jalen from Capital One sent you….uhm yes….omfw I say!!

Mother’s Day Surprise

News Segment

Moving on,  I lost my mother 31 years ago at the age of 12, to something that could have been avoided; had she made better choices. In life. With herself. For the wellbeing of her children. ffs

Needlesss to say, I’ve always been conflicted when the Halmark holiday rolls around, seriously shouldn’t you love, honor, and respect your mother every fucking day; not because the industry dictates you should….right?!?
Earlier in the week, talking with #JalenFromCapitalOne, I mentioned loss of my mother, breast cancer, and all the good shit that’s been happening recently. #MakingStrides advocating like a mofo.

While, I’d been searching for something I could never quite grasp. I see now that I’ve been surrounded by love the whole time, albeit most of it virtually. cliche af, but true. You fuckers and lovelies have given me the boost i needed when down, allowed me a pity party. I realize now, I’m important. I realize now that I am worthy of happiness. You can’t control the fucked up shit your parents do to you.

You can’t control the shit ass decisions they make that ultimately lead to an overdose of heroin….but you can control your happiness, your life, and your successes!

Unfortunately I’ve made my share of shit ass decisions, I see now there’s a better way. But that shit’s totally not getting handed to me either. You’ve got to speak for yourself. Because, there’re fuckers in your life, your close circle who wish to see you fail. Don’t ask me why, just know it’s true. And it sucks.

Fuck them. Live for yourself. Speak your truths