Whatever Is Truly Alive Must Die…

Look at the flowers, only plastic flowers never die.

Anthony de Mello

Fucking Anthony, how did you know these things for I have been watering a plastic plant for nearly two years now.

Ahem, ah yes, so where to begin this silly sorted tale of plant disguiser full of fuckery.

Just about two years ago, #MothersDay, I received this darling succulent inside a glazed dragonfly ceramic pottery. The plant’s expertly arranged tiny pebbles protected the base and prevented root growth and stunting it;s growth —-> or so I thought.

You see, I’ve been watering this lil guy, moving it from sunny locale to sunny locale. I protected this motherfucker from cold, frosty windows. Gave this bitch water, when I thought it was thirsty. Fuck me dead, did read I this plant’s signs wrong or what?

See, it’s all nice and green and unassuming and shit. It’s a succulent. We only feed those fuckers once a week, no? Am I not wrong here? Watering so little, I presumed I was doing an absofuckinlutely amazing job with this plant. I mean, it’s almost two years old and not one yellow leaf.

Fuck yeah.

Finally house planting right and shit.

Looks like the real goddamned deal and shit

But no, oh no. Was I wrong. So, I was my usual clumsy self and knocked this sweet baby off the window sill, just about two weeks ago. Now, I was totally feeling the heat to get this bitch in another pot and fast. So today, 4/22/20, I went to repot this little guy after unsuccessfully being able to reassemble the ceramic.

That is when I discovered this fucker’s true identity. As mentioned, it was secured by tiny pebbles and some foam below. Foam still damp. Whew, thank fuck; it’s not dead yet.

So I began to assemble small rocks into a lovely planter, when the little green stick fucker moved. Odd, I think. So I begin to wiggle the green stick, taking great care as to not disrupt the sensitive roots. Uhm….what? Fake? Tries to bite leaves…goddamned plastic.

For a long ass time, I sat dumbfounded at this plastic plant whom I thought was real for nearly two years…two fucking years.

Couldn’t wait to tell Mr. Badboob this revelation. As this is typical ‘Tara’ shit, but this is ‘Tara’ed’ to a whole new level. He said he knew cause he and lil badboob bought it for me. They spent a lot of time picking it out for me. So I then asked him why he didn’t say anything when I kept watering and letting it play with the sun? Never having seen me water it and me moving shit around is my MO he replied, so thought nothing off from that behavior.

Oh sweet mother Mary of fuck.

I attest to the truth and validity of this story. I do know another woman just shared her story as well. I actually told Mr. Badboob about it earlier in the week. What lolz where had. Now I’m lol’ing all over myself.

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