Tootie, How Can You Read Those? They’re Just Full Of Rumor, Gossip & Innuendo.

There are people who in this world get shoved around and there are people who do the shoving! -Jo, Facts Of Life—I plan to shove cancer as far away from me as fucking possible.

It’s been 23 days since my bilateral mastectomy. And yet I still wake up every morning crying….Crying like a fucking baby….The tears will sneak up on me & run down my face until I realize I’m in full cry mode. Usually, I’m able to wipe them away before hubby or five sees me breaking down. I know letting emotions out is good, cathartic and essential to fully healing, but dammit….I’m getting tired of these puffy ass eyes & bruised ass chest where my boobs once laid.

Cancer is such a fucking asshole. Ya know what, cancer is the definition of #assholism. Young, old, healthy, obese–It doesn’t give a fuck who you are. Fuck you cancer. The day when a cure is found will be the most gloriously celebrated day!

I’ve met some many fantastic women since beginning my blog. I had no idea that I would make friends when I began #badboob.  But if you think about it, some of my [and possibly your] closest friends came from a shitstorm of a situation that automatically bond you; those turn out to be the best and closest friends to have in your life.

I look in my closet at all my cute tee’s[that I may or may not be too old to still be wearing] but fuck it, they’re my tee’s. I see sadness when looking in the closet. I know this flat deformed chest is temporary, but still….it sucks. So big bulky sweaters it is while out in public….comfy tanks while at home.

My incisions still get throbby when walking. It feels like nipple freeze without nipples. If that makes sense. How weird is is to my to have those feelings in my boobs when I’m otherwise numb, all nerves have been severed; there is virtually no feeling on my chest–other than the pain still associated with the surgery.

Enough with your fucking sob story already Tara….Erm….it’s my blog & that’s why your here? Right?….Let’s hear some good shit….Well….Uhm….You see, with cancer….there really is no good shit….except when it is removed, treatments are over & you are officially deemed cancer free.

I did visit Dianne’s Selection & Lovely Lady Boutique yesterday. Picked up a few post mastecto bras and inserts yesterday. Been playing around with them a bit this morning. Trying to get used to seeing myself with ‘boobs’ again….ugh….it’s not easy kids….more tears….I did also pick up a handicap placard yesterday….just in case chemo really kicks my ass. I want to be prepared. And completed a fuckton more paperwork as well, hoping to get some good replies from all the financial forms I’ve been sending.

I am getting my strength back. Have almost, almost I say, full mobility in my arms. Now to get that goddamned pain to stop and I may feel like myself again very soon.

Be kind kids

xx

 

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Hey, Stifler, How’s The “Pale Ale”?

Where the hell is page one and why do I keep losing it? Seriously, I’ve spent the entire goddamned weekend filling out financial forms and bullshit; and goddammit page one keeps disappearing from me–grr.

Hey girls instant trick to looking thin–Have your 30ff’s sliced off your chest; voila! Instant slimming–So fucking strange to see my clothes in my body now. The fuck has happened to me?  Our family?  What happened to my little piece of mind from the 90’s that remained intact–Fucking cancer….That’s what happened….motherfuckinfucker

This weekend I spent time compiling binder of all the paper work since this rather unfortunate detour of breast cancer occurred. If I can get my my mind off the financial aspect of cancer & quit worrying about the shit, I’m sure my well being will begin to improve.

My husband and five year old completely pampered my Saturday by filing, buffing & painting my nails. FullSizeRender (4)

My five did a fanfuckintastic job with my toes. xoxox

Okay kids, I’ve said this a thousand times already–still can not believe I found the cancer so early as I never felt sick. TBT – I’m beginning to dread the thought of chemo & other treatments required to keep my body healthy. Oncologist did say she has no problem prescribing cannabinoids for me once treatments begin. Having known many friends and family that have used this medicine in conjunction with other med’s and knowing their results were favorable, puts me at ease; just slightly mind you.

One day at a time
One step at a time
Lots of tears

I was able to bathe this weekend [almost by completely by myself]. Candles were lit and smelling lovely. It was such a joy just to soak in the water, trying not to look at my deformed chest, trying to choke back the tears….The site of my body saddens me, immensely. I am so grateful for my husband that will listen and help talk me back to ‘reality’ when I begin flipping out. And I know this is temporary, but it’s still a mind fuck….I know I’ll have a beautiful reconstructed chest, but that does not help my mind or mental well being at the mo.

I’d been under the impression post-masecto chest’s were completely flat & concave. Not sure if it’s the expanders or what, but I’m not completely flat [almost], but I’m terribly lopsided. I hope this will change when I see the plastic surgeon 1/19/16 and get my first fill-up. This process I’m still learning about—the fill-ups, wait time, removal of expanders and eventual insertion of the silicone boob.

Each woman/man deals and reacts to breast cancer in their own way, respectably. I do not feel ashamed or embarrassed by how I look. Unfortunately, many women do. Matter of fact, I’m still wearing all my tank tops etc. I had many tank tops that never fit, no matter how much weight I lost, guess what? with no tits, they fit now….A crazy thing I have noticed though, after the shower/bath I used to pick up my boobs and dry underneath. Guess what kids, with no boobage, there is nothing to pick up & dry–mind totally fucking blown. I know this reconstruction process should take 4-6 months [from what I’ve read], by then I should have dropped the weight that decided to attach itself back to me-damn pounds. *shakes fist* stay off my ass & my stomach damn whore weight!

I still have so much swelling and discomfort, 20 days later, but am told it’s all normal. I am healing as I should be. Sleeping is getting better. But cancer has still robbed us of so much, especially intimacy–which I know will resume to normalcy.

I post this blog to the #badboob Facebook page & my own personal page, will get away from posting on personal page; but curious to know if you, the readers, would be interested in a cancer haver/survivor support group via Facebook? It wold be a private group, obv…..but a good place for us to vent, talk, cry, laugh, etc…..

Now off to finish filling out the financial aid paperwork for upcoming prescriptions and bullshit.

 

 

It’s Like A Lion And A Tiger Mixed

Bred For Its Skills In Magic….The Liger

If you guys knew anything of my before my #badboob and this whole fucking breast cancer ordeal, you know I was forever finding snacks and treats in my bras at the end of the evening. Hell, I’d even find some of my body jewelry hiding in there-you know those tricky fucking internal screw tragus earrings. I’d find the gems in my bra all the time….Thank fuck they never really got lost and didn’t have to invest in new body jewelry.

So with having my bilateral mastectomy 17 days ago, I thought long gone where the days of storing snacks in my bra for later consumption—Oh boy was I wrong. Tara, how the fuck are you still getting crumbs falling down your shirt when you have no tits, you may be thinking to yourselves. Well kids, when one eats in bed—crumbs happen….And goddammit….a lot of crumbs have happened….lots of those crunchy little fuckers.

What a lovely cornucopia of chips, peanuts, veggie jerky pieces & other delightful pieces fell to the floor when undoing this lovely post mastecto bra last night. Needless to say, Boston, the dog was very pleased with the treats I bestowed upon him.

My pain level is subsiding. Will be driving for the first time today to the The Carolina Ale House of Garner, to have lunch with my son, who happens to be a server there. He is also the first recipient of the First Annual Spartan Award! It will be nice to get out and enjoy a meal in which I neither need to cook or clean or pay for. Score!

My swelling is going down as well. I still have a hard time comprehending my new [temporary] silhouette looking in the mirror. Even at my smallest, I still looked big because of my big obnoxious tits. Now with them gone, I am instantly slim….Goddammit, what a life/mind changer that is. I’ve still lots of bruising, but that too is normal and healing quite well. No infections-Yay

Unfortunately my extra weight is still sticking….Seriously, how the hell is that possible?….My boobs were huge, I thought for sure some weight would have dropped….Meh….All in due time I suppose. We’ve begun walking the dog again, every couple of days, nice and slow we are taking it.

Each day I am meeting new women recently diagnosed with breast cancer, recently underwent their own bilateral mastectomy. I feel fortunate my blog is reaching others and potentially helping others cope. You tell me you laugh….you cry…when reading my updates….most importantly you tell me you are checking yourself or having spouse check herself. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Until a cure for cancer is found, we have to be diligent with our bodies. Know them inside and out. And get checked when something feels off. Insurance or not. I fall in the non-insured adult category, yet still had myself checked; because I knew in my heart it was cancer.

Feel free to ask any and all questions. Normal, gross, inquisitive, I’ll answer them all to the best of my knowledge.

Thank you again everyone for your continued daily support-emotional, physical, financial-all the support is appreciated and never turned down. When I am in a good place financially, I plan to give back as much as I can to my community.

Much love to all you beautiful fuckers. xx

 

 

 

 

Detachable Nipples

I’m not one to usually complain about aliments. [We all suffer daily, whether it’s physically or emotionally or just dealing with your basic fucktard.] This morning I awoke in so much pain, the tears just began streaming down my face before I could even remove myself from bed. Fortunately, this morning allowed for a little extra snuggle time since hubby had a late start today. I was able to lie down, snuggled in his arm and the fortress of pillows we’ve erected since surgery until my cocktail of pain meds kicked in.

Ya know, I learned you can produce tears & not even know your’re crying. The fuck? Right? This phenomena has happened to me a lot since fucking breast cancer decided to invade my boob. My eyes will begin streaming, I’ll wipe and think-fuck, I’m crying again. 

Today makes 14 days since I’ve been in the hospital. 14 days since I lost my boobs. 14 days since the cancer was extracted from my breast tissue. 14 days of being uncomfortable with sleeping, walking, dressing & general lifing.

Since we are working folks, we don’t have the luxury for hubby to stay home to ensure I heal fully and properly. As some of you may know, five years olds can sometimes act like monkeys on meth….They are a crazy, but lovable type of human….Children that is, not meth monkeys. So, I try to ‘rest’ & ‘recover’ as much as I can with a five year old running a muck.

Met with my oncologist, Dr. Stacy Telloni, yesterday. Thought I’d be learning of my cancer treatment & how to remain free from that fucking beast that is cancer. She said the invasive lobular cancer has kinda blurred some margins & shit. Therefore she has ordered an OncoType DX Breast Cancer Test. The results from this test should arrive in about three weeks. This test will determine the amount, strength & all that other shit that goes into chemotherapy.

Fortunately for me, they’ll use the breast tissue extracted from my bilateral mastectomy to study the cells, no more skin needs to be scraped from me to perform this. My next appointment with her is 2/4/16–rest assured I’ll keep those who are reading my bloggy in the loop. I will need chemo, which I understand is another necessary evil to keep the goddamned cancer at bay.

I’ve been reading up on nipple reconstruction recently. Did you know they can take labia tissue to construct nipples? They do 3d tattoo nipples. I held a prosthetic boob yesterday, much different than I imagined.

TBT prior to breast cancer and my own bilateral mastectomy, I’d never given the loss of my nipples any consideration at all. Another thing I must contend with when looking in the mirror. And I realize it’s only been 14 days, but I’m still bruised and swole as fuck. I see my plastic surgeon 1/19/15 and get my first fill-up in my expanders. That should be fun….not….I hear this is a painful process and many women stop before they achieve their goal size….We shall see how this affects me.

Oh! And after 13 days, the second drainage tube was finally removed. Goddamned fucker gushed like a fucking geyser I tell ya! But is was such a relief to have that tubing gone from my body….Again, I think this goes back to our ability to adapt to our ‘new normal’. After 13 days, it become my norm to drain & record the fluid from those pesky bulbs. They wrapped me like a mummy to ensure the blood did not leak through my clothes. And I left the oncology office in tears over the pain from tube removal–big ole fucking ouchy.

We have begun yet another new year. I hope you guys were able to ring it in with friends and family by your side; we certainly did. Hopefully this year I will remain cancer free…You will remain cancer….No matter the cancer…all cancers suck ass.

 

Happy New Boobs…Erm I Mean Year

2015 Recap:

  • Found lump in my breast 51 days ago
  • Learned lump was cancer 38 days ago
  • Two different cancers and both boobs removed from 9 days ago
  • Alive and cancer free

What fucking year for me….For you….I know you guys have been dealing with some hardcore shit too….Fucking life is a bitch at times….Life is also good at times.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, my strength, my courage, my family; their strength and determination to keep me healthy, comfortable and healing properly. I always knew I was strong, I had no doubt about that….I may not always want to be strong….but it is what I have to do to survive and have our family unit run as smooth [bumpy, crooked, off the goddamned track] as possible.

So, last night….I had my first shower since surgery. Oh what a glorious feeling to have my hubby wash out all that goddamned dry shampoo that’s been sprayed on my head the past eight days….Oh what a tragic site to see myself fully unclothed for the first time….I kept psyching myself up all day….I’m not gonna cry, I’m not gonna cry….was my mantra for the day….

Well, I cried & cried on my husband’s shoulders….he reassured me all will be okay….then took a very deep breath and stepped into the wonderful stream of warm water and let it wash away all my tears and worries; if only momentarily. It was quite shocking to see my body and what once were my gifuckinormous & obnoxious breasts hung. When hub was rinsing my hair & face and I bent over, no breasts weighed me down….No breasts swinging left and right…No breasts getting in my me….No breasts….

Trying to prepare oneself to view their altered body is a big goddamned obstacle no matter who you are. I know slicing the tits off my body was necessary for me to keep my health. And I’ve been peeking at my (lack of) boobs for a few days making sure they remain clean and irritant free.

Medically speaking, the incisions look good & clean. The left drain bulb is still there and will remain until January 4th, unfortunately. Today the fluid was dark red as opposed to the orangey I’ve grown accustomed to seeing. The plastic surgeons office reassured me, this is normal & still healthy.

Mentally speaking, I’m still all sorts of fucked up. Obv, ya know. I just lost my breasts to cancer….fucking cancer…fucking two different goddamned cancers….But having you guys and your fuckery in the palm of my hand has been a tremendous boost to my well-being. Again, I thank each and every single one of you who have walked this road with me. I heart you guys and shit so hard!

I’ve not disclosed my treatment plan as I’ve yet to meet with my oncologist. I have the info the breast surgeon gave me, but I need to hear it from oncology before I release to you guys. It’s looking good….But fuck *insert giggle* if my treatment is what they say,  I feel guilty for getting off so easy; beside the losing my tits part. More on treatment next week.

19 just to 5 to CVS for more Advil and chocolates. I shall catch a quick nap.

Happy Fucking New Year to each and every single one of you beautiful motherfuckers.

Be kind to yourselves and each other.

 

 

The One With No Boobs

Holy fuck me! I woke up in sooooooo much fucking pain today. Like first day of surgery pain, even though today is day eight since double mastectomy. [Some of you may be confused my by previous blog titles. I had both breasts removed. The whore filled with cancer and I sacrificed the other to prevent cancer recurrence & have to go through this fucking nightmare again.]

Yesterday I woke all bright & chipper & shit. I got my first post-cancer walk in with the boy & dog, played with my five and his trucks, had a wonderful visit from a friend & was able to get a glorious daytime nap cause hubby was able to get five midday. Felt great all night. Thought I was getting back to my old normal [snort] self.

Ah a handful of pain meds & protein infused coffee–should be situated shortly.

And is just me, or does everyone with a memory foam topper wake drenched in fucking sweat like a junky going through detox? Could be from the 80 pound dog laying on me too? On the other hand, I finally dropped that painkiller ladened deuce! My stomach is flat again! Yippeefuckingskippy!

I obtained my pathology report Monday. The cancer has been completely removed from my breast. Interestingly she told me there were two types they removed. Two different types of fucking cancer! Can you believe that shit?? She said it was ‘rare & bizarre[to those of you who read this on Fb yesterday, deal with it. Told ya I’d be blogging it too.] *emoticon snarky face*

I knew I had  invasive ductile carcinoma. What I find absofuckinlutely amazing is the second cancer removed, from same #badboob, called invasive lobular carcinoma wasn’t present on biopsy! Per pathology report, page 4 of 9, “…3 foci…Invasive lobular carcinoma were not present on prior core biopsy” Can you fucking believe that? They (and I) saw the tumors on the ultrasound on 11/19, but the cancer wasn’t even born yet? The fuck? Told ya at the beginning of my blog, that I was an ‘against the grain kinda girl’….more proof of that right here. 

Goddammit! That blows my fucking mind! Seriously, I caught that shit so fucking early. How is that even possible? I have no words for the feelings I’m feeling. I do know, had I not caught that lump, 11/10/15 [during sex], those two cancers would have fucked me the fuck up.

Goddammit. I feel lucky as fuck. For real. All tingly and miracley & shit.

Again, never having had a surgery before, I didn’t know what to expect. I thought I’d be all Frankensteiny & shit, not being able to move my arms. I actually have more mobility than I anticipated.

I thought I’d not be able to do anything. Reach out for a hug, reach for a glass, wipe the ole poop-chute, but none of those tasks were even a problem. I cannot reach high-like to hang clothes in the closet. I can not reach far-like to grab my damned charger that keeps falling off my bedside table. Other than that, I feel normal, sans boobs.

I did have my first look at my chest on Monday when she took the hospital dressing off. I was shocked, saddened, stunned, happy [Uhm Tara, why the fuck would you be happy] Uhm, no more cancer. My chest is still all sorts of black, blue, yellow & shit….it is not pretty….hell my non-boobed chest is stilll bigger than some of the chicks I know with a flat chest….I had a lot of boob to remove….and I have the expanders in….still not sure how I feel about them….let you know when I get my first pump up. The nurse did remove the drainage tube from the right side. Leftie’s drainage has lessened, so that tube should be coming out tomorrow.

Happy New Year kids! May you all be cancer free. xx

 

 

So That’s What My Feet Look Like

Dude where’s my boob? [I’m still chucking at that title.] I know, I know, the grammar isn’t correct….but fuck it *giggle*….Dude, where’s my boobs?…didn’t read the same…I added apostrophes & shit….brackets….everything….it all was wrong….really it is wrong….cancer is wrong….my situation….your situation with cancer currently….finally you with your cancer situation that you don’t even know about yet….but will find out….I will be here for you….whoever you may be….when you get your results.

Cancer is becoming so fucking common. [Couldn’t find the most current stats, but in 2012 1.7 million women were diagnosed with breast cancer. The fucking fuck?] Those of you studying environmental factors as well as food & shit thank you! I can’t wait to see what new discoveries lie ahead in terms of cures for cancer or preventatives. I was reading how they’re using the tentacles of jelly fish to fight cancer~infuckingcredible!

I meet with my breast cancer surgeon today for my first post-op check. I did receive a call from her office earlier this morning, pathology report came back and the cancer did not spread to my lymph nodes, my margins are clear! This is wonderful news. They told us this the 22nd after surgery, but that was still preliminary–this is the official word–NO MORE CANCER IN MY BODY-[at the mo]-Whoohoo!!

The drainage from my incisions are becoming less & less, another good sign. Pain is still a motherfucker. I’ve gobbled all the pain meds and advil I could, trying to rest when I can.

There are two football shaped incisions where my tits once were….when I move the wrong way, I feel pain. Lot’s of it. A question I had for a friend who recently underwent a double mastectomy, was did she feel phantom boobs pangs….her answer was no. Nor have I yet. But I’m still kinda numb and shit physically & mentally.

Trying on clothes in my closet was a whole new trauma I wasn’t quite prepared for. Get this, I can actually button all the buttons on my shirts….something I’ve not been able to do in a long time. My chest is flat and my stomach looks 7 1/2 months preggers….I need to make poopies. Damn pain medication backs you up and puts 10 pounds on the fucking scale.

I’m adding my funding link to this post….Even though the breast cancer has been removed & Santa has returned to his home, I continue to lie in bed recovering sans boobs. The messages of support are flowing in….I am grateful for everyone. Today begins the first of many post-cancer visits. Many are still asking what you can do for us to help ease the transition for our family. The bills are beginning to pile, the insurance is still pending…..more prescriptions to pick up today. If you can help or share this post, I’ll put your name in a hat and let the winners pick names of my new boobs.

Seriously. All the thank you’s & hugs to everyone so far that’s walked with me during this cancer ordeal thus far. I love your faces goddammit and want to bite all your guyz’s cheeks. Check your boobs ladies. Make that mammogram appointment, if not for yourself, do it for your family.

xx

 

Dude, Where’s My Boob?

Here I sit in the hospital bed–cancer free!!

Remember the celebratory ass-slaps & high-fives I spoke of a few times? Well now is the time kids! Slap that ass nearest to you and give your buddy a high-five bitches. 

Holy fuckamorolee what a goddamned ride that was….Now onto healing, recovery and treatment. My sentinel nodes came back clean, which is a very good thing. I’ve yet to talk to oncology to find specific course of action. That will be upon analyzing the tumors. I should have complete pathology report Monday.

I actually have more mobility than I thought I would.  I’m not quite sure what I expected to feel like after surgery–other than traumatized over the fact I had to lose my breasts–I know, I know–There’s your reconstruction Tara.  Der….This I know…But still….Ya know…. Fucking Cancer….I will forever be changed….I am also alive!!

Now that the cancer has been extracted, I’m going to try getting excited about the reduction. Cause guess what? I’ve been reduced. In a big fucking way.

There are some that dream of breast enlargement & some dreaming of reductions. I was in the latter boat. The fake boobs are not installed yet. Expanders were put into me to begin the stretching process. It’ll be a few months until they’re up and ready to go. [insert winky face here]

I knew I was receiving a shitton of prayers, healing vibes & positive energies from around the world yesterday…I felt them all….All the loves…. All the hugs.. All the cries….All the concern….I felt it all….I still feel the positivity now or that could be the pain medication. Fuck if I know. Thank you all for cheering me and the family on for the past 30 days. Everyone has been so great and upbeat….I had no choice but to remain positive myself. I appreciate you guys more than I can ever put to pen.

If all my stats still look good, I should be on my way home later this evening. We will be counting down the minutes till Santa’s arrival courtesy of the NORAD Tracker. Currently there are 21 hours until Santa departs the North Pole guys!! My gift has already arrived. At the skilled hands of the surgeons yesterday, they full-fulled  the two items on my Christmas wish list!   I am cancer free kids and I’ll be home celebrating with my family in the house of peen.

Hmmm-will #badboob continue,  you want to know? It’s no longer a bad boob, that bitch boob was kicked out into the rain….Blogging about this  ordeal has been  extremely helpful for me; by allowing  me to vent and get shit off my chest [see what I did there?], more so than I thought it would.

xoxo

*This post may be filled with more typos & shit than normal*

 

 

Ready Or Not, Here I Come

You Can’t Hide
Gonna Find You and Take it Slowly

Those who could relate know the world ain’t cake….(the fugees)

41 days ago I found a lump in my breast.

32 days ago I learned I had breast cancer

1 fucking day both breasts will be removed.…motherfuck you cancer….goddammit….

8428 days ago Christopher and I declared our love for each other. [I realize that fact is in no way relevant to cancer. But I do love this app for keeping up with shit for me. As I’m normally scatterbrained or ‘free spirited’ as my hubby would say.]

Today I sit here, drinking my protein enriched coffee, reading some rather lovely posts & bullshit posts on FaceBook, strapped my 30ff’s into my bra for one of the last times….

Okay, cancer I get it, point made;  you’re a fucking bitch.

I know too many that have died or who are afflicted with this beast currently.

But really cancer, six tumors, my entire tit? That’s the most traumatic part for me to wrap my head around. It’s a dramatic goddamned turn of events. 

I, of all people know life is not easy, but goddammit tumors–couldn’t you have positioned yourselves close enough so all I’d require is a lumpectomy?

The cancer is only in one breast, but I am choosing a double mastectomy because I sure as fuck do not want to have to go through breast cancer again down the road.

Needless to say….I’m fucking paralyzed with fear. I’m a blubbering spastic goddamned mess today. I am going to try to enjoy the day to the fullest. Singing silly Christmas songs and playing who farted? the boy or the dog.

Today I will not let cancer take my joy.
Today I will not let cancer take my love.
Tomorrow I will let cancer take my breasts.
Tomorrow I will not let cancer take my life. 

Hey Judgy McJudgerson’s

When I first started blogging about the invasive ductile carcinoma that attacked me aka as #badboob, I knew I had to get these thoughts out of my head. I invited you into my brain for a mo….unfiltered & uncensored & terribly typo’ed…. [ha, I have censored myself a bit, if you can believe that]  Those who choose to read, without judgment, thank you. I also knew I wanted others to get in touch with themselves and possibly detect cancer while still in its infancy stage such as I did. I am overjoyed at the amount of messages I’ve received regarding your new routine. This to me makes my  blog, worth while. Because I fucking love each and everyone one of you that has reached out….except you Judgy McJudgerson’s, I do love you too. You need to keep yourself in check. Mmkay?

You may not be used to my language or mannerisms. Nor am I used to yours. Your words and actions may not be for me. You conduct your life how you feel best. I conduct my life how I feel best. You may read something here and ask yourself what the fuck is she talking about or I can’t believe she wrote that…..Again, my story in my words….I am telling you how cancer has fucked my world….hard….Those who wish to send sentiment, please consider your words. As I know you mean well, but sometimes sound like a jackass.~~~If you don’t know what to say, just hug me. [I’m emotional enough as it is]…. That’s all I want. No empty bullshit words….An ear…. A shoulder…. A hand…. A friend.

But telling someone with cancer [or any medical issue, physical or mental] to not worry about it….honestly you may fuck off….Your words are insulting—think before you speak.  I don’t claim to be better. Just speaking my mind. I realize writing & inviting you guys to read about my #badboob, I’m leaving myself open to ridicule and bullshit–don’t read this blog then. Simple.

Knowing my tits will be sliced off my body in two days is traumatic as fuck. Goddammit cancer. Fucker taking my tits….not my life or love of life. I will still be the Tara you all love or loathe….with some great cancer-free boobs and a penchant for the word fuck.

Neither one is better
I am me
You are you
We are living life
Trying to make it from one fucking day to the next.

Our game plan has been developed on the 22nd. It’s supposed to be raining Tuesday morning. The five of us will make breakfast, but not I as I need not eat past midnight….blah, blah. We’ll try to be as festive as possible. Santa will be here in five days after all! That’s a lot of goddamned excitement to contain & not be affected by! Silly smile and games.We’ll play Candyland and Go Fish. I’ll hug and kiss my boys. Tell them I’m going to be fine–because I will. Tell them I love them. I’ll seem them later that evening.