When You Find That Long Yellow Hair…

while going through your winter clothes and want to cunt punch cancer….

On the other hand; I’ve never had so many compliments on my ‘hair cut’. Seriously. Never. Men, women, all of them tell me it’s a great look ask me where I got it cut, etc, etc…..I tell them it’s new growth and they’re all oohs & ahhs…So I think I shall be rocking the ‘Ripley’ (of which I had to google) and a few comparisons to Eleven from Stranger Things, which is a kick ass fucking show—I’ll take it. And thank you for the kind words. After my bad hair life, glad to be able to enjoy this aspect, for the first time. Ever. 

Did I mention the mouth sores/metal mouth? Fucking brutal– Gah….It got so bad at one point you forget all the good times you’ve had, as you all you can focus on is the burn, or loss of taste-buds. Oh yeah, chemo affects your nails too. It’s been almost four months since my last chemo and my nails are still brownish and fucked up….oh yeah did I mention my internal plumbing thinks it’s still receiving chemo as my bowel movements have been more like rocket rides to space…..better leave that escape hatch open…Fortunately for me, the sores disappeared rather quickly and leaving my mind or being suppressed (I’ll decide late).

I was tired and lazy while on chemo. Not lazy like check Facebook an hour has passed lazy; like real life lazy. I was so weak I could not wipe when I pee’d or hock a fucking loogie…no strength at all. Felt as if I were in a goddamned horror movie where the heroine is trying to escape in a room of muck but gets stuck instead….no where to turn….sleep a few minutes on the floors. Who cares? I didn’t shower for days. I was in a hallucinogenic state, lack of nutrients….so many pills. Ladies do invest in personal wipes to keep your pickachu squeaky clean [insert cry laughing emoji here] as you’re not going to want to shower or any other fucking thing. Any little things to make the chemo process a bit easier.

Ladies, I found the perfect post masecto bra….the Genie bra. Seriously, it seems as if my life quest has been finding the perfect bra for my gigantor breasts, even with reconstruction, I’m still looking for good sports bras. All those fuckers are racer back style and always end up with my neck hurting. So, I took the plunge and bought the $9.99 Genie in the box…..Put that fucker on…..immediate love! My only gripe is I should have gotten a smaller size, but not in stock. The reviews state to go smaller as well. But, I fucking love it! It does lift, separate and support so much more than I anticipated!! Can’t wait to shove my breasticles into a small and see how comfy that is. You can step into it as opposed to pulling over your head. Arms and shit is already sore, need all the relief we can get. And my pits are still kinda numb and swollen from those expanders….

Oh yea, did you know you have to register your implants? I’m sure those who’ve had enhancements know this info, but I’d never heard or imagined such a thing. I realize it’s for replacement, recall or some shit. Check your tits. Have your partner check. Know your body, the bumps & lumps….be aware of what’s happening inside…you could possibly save your life with early detection. I did. I was never one for self checks, and I had lots of exploration….Those who aren’t sure how to check, contact your doctor, google, YouTube. I found the best way to check, after discovering those lumps, because you know I was obsessed with the tumors in my tit, I had to feel every single fucking day it was in my body, and best way for me was to bend over and feel around like that. Mine felt like an eraser tip from a pencil. It was not malleable…That set off more alarms. I’ve lost too many to this ugly disease, and yes I’m being greedy; I don’t want to lose any more of you fuckers. xx

“Look Mom, A Girl With No Hair.”

Yes honey I see that. She has cancer, the mom replied.  When people have cancer, they have to go through chemotherapy.  And with chemo sweetie, they get really sick and most lose their hair like that girl….aw, shucks….42 and they are calling me a girl….thanks for making my day sweet mom at target for explaining to your little girl about cancer and for thinking I was a kid.

My incisions are fucking frowning at me. Why is this so? Seriously, at the incision site, the lines are rounded down in a frownward motion. Are they mad at me for having doctors mutilate and hack at them? They do not like the breast muscle tissue expander either. Do all post mastecto chests frown? Or is is just mine? This is serious shit, I need answers.

Stretch marks from the breast tissue expansion. Weird. Why is this so? I had so much skin to work with [hello, NatGeo]….only to cut, toss in trash [bye bye nipples] and begin stretching my skin again.

Where have my nipples gone?
What barge are they decaying on?

I have totally faith in the plastic surgeon’s ability….but damn….you really do need to be a patient patient for the good shit to happen and my chest muscles to finish expanding. As much as I hate the discomfort from the expanders, I’m glad I have a competent surgeon….hopefully I’ll have two, not three or four boobs when he is done. I’m ready to be able to feel my arms, chest, under arm & side boob again. Shit’s still numb & sore. It’s a surreal experience showering and not knowing if I’m really washing my body. Let’s not forget the goddamned power port making my life even more miserable. Blah blah blah….bitch bitch bitch….Not necessarily bitching….Just telling my story as I see it….
Will implants frown or smile? I hope like fuck those bitches will be smiling. I know I will be. As the surgery is one of the last steps in my breast cancer journey. In just 21 days, the plastic surgeon will work his magic sculpting my new boobs!! I must say, I am pretty fucking excited to have the reduction I’ve always wanted. My excitement is growing everyday.

I will be entering the autumn of my life with kick ass cancer free tits! If I choose nipples, there will be one more procedure with him. But, I’ve already begun thinking of a beautiful post-masecto piece- pretty sure that’s the route I’ll be going.

How much do the expanders weigh now? His much will the implants weigh? Well I googled that shit and right now the expanders are adding a little over two pounds to my frame.

My hair growth is going well, considering I was  more or less hairless a little over a month ago. I received my last chemo infusion 38 days ago. You can tell by this picture, just how much hair has actually grown in. I’m such a lovely vision of beauty. [snort….sarcastic eye roll inserted here] I’m still a hot fucking mess….I know with surgery less than a month a way, I’ll be a bigger, hotter mess. Ha, with my mastectomy, I was concerned because I had to completely disrobe prior to surgery, I was worried about the baby-slide.  So I shaved and got razor rash…..grrr….anyhoo….I’m not going to stress about the meat curtains as the surgeon is removing all baby making materials….
Still hard to fathom that 230 days ago Mr. Badboob and I received life altering news. The in-laws happened to be visiting us that day. So glad to have had all the love, support & shoulders to lean on from day one. Two hundred and thirty fucking days ago….goddammit. The online support has been more than tremendous. Each day I feel I get a little closer to some of you. The girl power is strong in my group of friends. We are carefully building each other up, to ensure we become the best possible in this fucked up world.

From my misty eyes to yours. Make it a good one.

And for fucks sake, feel yourself ladies. Have your man feel your boobs. Men, you can get breast cancer too….check yourselves.

Cinnamon Poptarts

All it took was having a doctor who knows a good radiology practice who knows a surgeon who knows a plastic surgeon…bam here I am speaking to Dr. Rhet High and we are speaking of my stage one cancer removal and success rate, then his part in the process of reconstructing my .—the odds are fucking great!

I sat there in my pink gown with guess what?  Fucking reading material, fucking reading material – here Mrs. Sparks undress from waist up, give the doctor time to examine your chart while you read this informative book……oh fuck me,the tears. Don’t get me wrong, the staff and everyone I saw today was nothing but courteous and sympathetic to my health issue~~these thoughts are my own, and fucked up as they may be they are mine I just happen to share here talking about my #badboob.

I’m so not a ‘woe is me girl’. I get it. Shit happens. Truth about life.

Today I received direction and education on my cancer. December 22nd is the date the cancer is scheduled to be eradicated from my body. I will then learn of the treatments to follow upon analyzing the tumors once those bitches are outta my body and off my immediate mind and bladefuckinblah….. that’s a lot.  (My husband is there at every visit possible visit. Such a goddamn kickass support he is.)

Glad to have an operation date set. Glad for family. Glad for life.

20 days…..

peace love and rootbeer floats





Boob, You Are Grounded!

The moment I found the lump in my breast, I just knew….I knew the lump was cancer, that fucking sneaky ass bastard, stepped right in and began weaving it’s cancerous cells throughout my breast.

Bitch, you are grounded! Get in that fucking corner and don’t get out. 

     I learned I have cancer diagnosis five days ago. 
     I learned I would be losing my breasts four days ago.

This is what I’ve learned in the past five days :

My cancer has a name. It’s Stupid Fucking Asshole, or in medical terms it’s Invasive Ductile Cancer.

  • I know breast cancer is the most common of the cancers.
  • I know it’s treatable, with little to no occurrence.
  • I know I will kick those five tumors asses so hard.
  • I know my husband and family are holding my hand the entire journey.
  • I know my breasts will be removed before Christmas as the tumors are growing rapidly.
  • Radiation will follow as well as 5-10 years of tamoxifen & possible chemo.

Not only am I concerned for the very near future, I am concerned for the bills that will begin to mount. Bad boob be gone. Cancer boob, get the fuck outta here. Medically and scientifically, I’m sure I’ll recover to live a relative normal life. Though those who know me, know I am not normal.

Because, guess what kids? This chick has no insurance. Ludicrous you say. Unbelievable you may say. Truth I say. I am fortunate in the fact that I found a phenomenal breast disease surgeon, Dr. Lisa Tolnitch, MD, FACS. She has agreed to perform my cancer removal, free of charge. A charity case if you will. I hate the term, I do, but fuckit.  The relief that flooded my heart was overwhelming. I will literally owe my healthy life to Dr. Tolnitch. At a harrowing time such as this, it’s a great relief to know there are kind souls, willing and able souls to help those.

Obligatory funding link insertion here.

Bad boob be gone. Cancer boob, get the fuck outta here.