Menopause – The Ceasing Of Menstruation

BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutation positive…..fucking mutation positive…humans are a vile mutation on this planet. Humans are continually fucking up this planet with all their evil doings.

Medicinal advancements can now detect some human mutations and remove those body parts that could become infested with more cancers. I tested positive with the BRCA2 mutative gene. I chose to have a complete hysterectomy in an effort to escape ovarian cancer…..Let’s hope scientists will release the cancer cures we know they’ve been sitting on instead of letting [wo]mankind wallow in continual suffering……..

Most women begin their menopausal journey somewhere in their late 40’s. Other women, such as myself, go through a forced menopause overnight when their organs are extracted from their body in one quick, less than an hour, out patient surgery. Really. They can do that shit before lunch. Fucking insane.

It’s been just over a year since I went in for my hysterectomy and implant exchange surgery….. They bandage you up, send you home and you’re left to weep and sweat on your own for the next year. And fucking weep I have done. I’ve never felt so dark in my entire life. Even with a supportive family and friends… fucking dark….so fucking blue…no light…no hope of happiness…badboob.pngusually I would muster through shit, because I never really had a choice….it had to be done…but this time, the depression has overtaken my entire being. Everything I’ve known or felt has come into question.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can be brought on by a traumatic event. PTSD can happen after a life-threatening situation, such as a breast cancer diagnosis or cancer recurrence. PTSD can affect your ability to cope with life’s daily chores and inconveniences and make it difficult to function.

It’s real.

Real AF.

I used to think it was a crock of shit. I now realize it’s so not the case. It’s really important to surround yourself with all the love and support you can handle. There is no lonelier feeling than to face this heinous disease feeling alone. You’re going to act batshit crazy, emotional…all of it…you’re literally losing your tits. You’re going to say and do things that others won’t understand.

Crying. So much fucking crying. Wake up crying. Go to sleep crying. In the car crying. In the shower crying. Walking the dog crying. Talking to doctors crying. All of it. All the fucking time. How do you explain the irrational tears when others tell you your sick and shit? No fuck….I feel fucking sick. Then this life. The news. The sickness. The hate in the world. Friends lost to this horrific disease…It’s all just too much…..There is no way to fully explain. No way to explain without seeming like a blubbering idiot. Other women, survivors, hystosisters, they get it…..So the tears are wiped and a quote brave face replete with blood shot eyes is put on and you carry on with dinner and other household tasks. One day you realize you’ve only cried twice or not at all….

One day you realize you actually enjoyed yourself again. One day you had real smiles instead of those smiled suffocated by tears…. Take those small victories and make them big celebrations. Because they are in fact big celebrations! xx

As I mentioned in a previous post, they recommended a five year hormone therapy treatment for me once they completed my hysterectomy.   Upon doing my homework, I found out long term use of the HRT prevents breast cancer and causes heart disease…..Seeing as how I already have had breast cancer and don’t wish for my heart to become further diseased, I opted not to follow that regimen prescribed by my oncologist; instead looking for ways to up my nutritional intake. The hot flashes are no fucking joke. Without warning I’m completely drenched in sweat. Without warning I’m completely fucking freezing. Sweating. Freezing. So goes my night. Covers on. Covers off. Pillow flipped…..

She’s concerned…
What if I have a re-occurrence of breast cancer?
What the fuck if I do?
It could occur with the HRT or without.
At least without, I’ll have fewer health issues to contend with when given the cancer diagnosis; again. 


Self Compassion

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“how would you respond if your [partner / parent / child / friend] had the same health problem as you — would you be angry at them or regard them as pathetic for not coping?”

The answer is always one of compassion and empathy.

Feel Good Af

So this happened yesterday… ermerfuckingerd….I knew something was up when I get a messenger request from Amber Rupinta-Ferro from ABC11 WTVD….hey Tara she says, can you come into the studio for a #mothersday segment, oh and bring the flowers that #Jalen from Capital One sent you….uhm yes….omfw I say!!

Mother’s Day Surprise

News Segment

Moving on,  I lost my mother 31 years ago at the age of 12, to something that could have been avoided; had she made better choices. In life. With herself. For the wellbeing of her children. ffs

Needlesss to say, I’ve always been conflicted when the Halmark holiday rolls around, seriously shouldn’t you love, honor, and respect your mother every fucking day; not because the industry dictates you should….right?!?
Earlier in the week, talking with #JalenFromCapitalOne, I mentioned loss of my mother, breast cancer, and all the good shit that’s been happening recently. #MakingStrides advocating like a mofo.

While, I’d been searching for something I could never quite grasp. I see now that I’ve been surrounded by love the whole time, albeit most of it virtually. cliche af, but true. You fuckers and lovelies have given me the boost i needed when down, allowed me a pity party. I realize now, I’m important. I realize now that I am worthy of happiness. You can’t control the fucked up shit your parents do to you.

You can’t control the shit ass decisions they make that ultimately lead to an overdose of heroin….but you can control your happiness, your life, and your successes!

Unfortunately I’ve made my share of shit ass decisions, I see now there’s a better way. But that shit’s totally not getting handed to me either. You’ve got to speak for yourself. Because, there’re fuckers in your life, your close circle who wish to see you fail. Don’t ask me why, just know it’s true. And it sucks.

Fuck them. Live for yourself. Speak your truths