I Have To Get Up When? Motherfuck!

4:52 am BEEP BEEP BEEP

Fuck’s sake, 4:52? The fuck is the alarm going off so goddamned early? ah, yeah–my port placement is happening in an hour and half….

Flash forward-5:10 am. I am sitting here at my lappy entering another quick bloggie before we begin our adventure {insert sarcastic eye roll here}. There is no make up to apply or hair to fix this morning, seeing as how I’ll be under sedation drooling on myself shortly. So, I’m actually surprised that it took me eight whole minutes to get ready.

They say this is a ‘simple’ out patient procedure. See kids, the thing with waking up at the fuck-this-shit-o-clock for hospital procedures, you are not to eat or drink anything past midnight; like a goddamned Gremilin. So no chocolate malt infused protein coffee for me this morning–the struggle is real fuckers.

With the threat of chemo looming overhead and taunting me to no end, I began researching chemo cold caps. Have you seen this technology yet? It is supposed to be worn during chemo infusions and the idea is that it freezes your hair follicles resulting in little to no hair loss, on your head anyway….I’m sold!…Thinking to myself. That is until I see the price associated with these magnificent little beasts. Then several friends went to amazon seeking cheaper cold caps. Yes, they do have an assortment, but those reviews are not too favorable. The ice keeps melting, or leaking or causing problems. The last thing I need is more problems once the chemo drip begins. We shall see what comes of it. I really don’t need to purchase a cap as I’ll only be using it four sessions, a loaner cold cap is what I’m seeking.

Oh yes, after we leave the hospital, around lunch time, they say….I’ll be headed to the plastic surgeon for my second saline fill. This should be fun as the last fill hand me immobilized for days after. Fingers crossed they release me with a good pain med today as I don’t think the tramadol’s will cut is for the next few days.

Mr. Badboob is waking Little Badboob at the mo. We packed his bag of hot wheels & electronics last night as they will be hanging out in the lobby during the port placement. Not exactly where we wanted our sweet baboo this morning, but eh, what are you going to do?

Just checked my stats: I first felt the lump 83 days ago. And my bilateral mastectomy was 41 days ago. It’s still such a mindfuck and some days so hard to wrap my head around all the information, paperwork and bullshit that goes along with cancer.

Make it a good one kids. Feel your boobs. Hug your family. Be kind.

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I am Hanz And I Am Franz

And we are here to ‘Pump You Up‘–Holy fuckamorolee!

This is how I feel after my first saline fill-up in my breast tissue expansion process, like fucking Hanz & Franz with their overly buff bodies….I have read that it hurts….I have read some women stop before they reach their desired cup size….and fuck me….I can see why….the pressure is insane….I’m told the expansion process takes 4-6 months.

Here I am, two days after first fill & I’m crazy sore. It’s such an odd sensation really.  I’m told the pain subsides by the end of day two….waiting….Next fill is in two weeks, just in time for me to get used to my ‘new normal’ only to be pumped up again.

I have some hematoma action going on where #badboob once resided–all normal I am told. I’m healing nicely, I am told. Thank fuck for that glimpse of shiny lining.

Once my breast tissue is expanded to desired size, then I’ll go back under the knife to have the implants installed.  I found out I can choose between gel or silicone implants. For all the research I’ve done in the past 59 days, post cancer diagnosis, there is still so much shit I do not know about.

goddammit. fuck all. fuck cancer.

So, I’m looking at 4-6 months of saline fill-ups. Oh happy happy joy joy [another sarcastic eye roll here]…. walking around with a big square looking chest, those expander fuckers are not flattering in the least bit….wear loose tops….wear asymmetrical patterns….wear layers all the breast cancer, fucking feel good, books say.

And fuck it, if I wasn’t clumsy enough before, I know have to contend with walking into a wall, falling down, who the fuck knows what else, so I don’t pop these fuckers. The first question the nurses ask at every appointment is have I fallen recently? No has been my answer. But let’s face it guys, it’s only been 30 days since bilateral mastectomy….indubitably I will fall….graceful I am not….clumsy as fuck I am….happy I am not having to worry about remaining upright without toppling into something lke the goddamned spazz I am….

I’ll be deciding upon my treatment plan over the weekend.

Mr. Badboob and I will discuss pros and cons regarding my options. Obviously, I want to remain healthy and cancer-free. The decision will be tough, no doubt. My stomach has been in fucking knots since learning of my options.

Fortunately I’m still relatively young and healthy enough, so they say, to bounce back & not become a shell of my former self, so they say.

I continue to be humbled by all your guys’z support. Thank you everyone who has been here so far and to those that will be here for me in the future.

Now, time to get off my ass and walk the dog.

Oh, I don’t think I mentioned, I ‘jogged’, momentarily, for the first time post-op, when walking the dog….uhm…what a bizarre feeling that was. Before, I’d have to hold my boobs down just to walk so those fuckers wouldn’t suffocate me….you can imagine the challenges I faced while running….so bizarre to not live with the fear of knocking myself out via boob to the face anymore [snarky eye roll insertion].